All aboard the Liz Line

CHOO CHOO


Well, anyone who saw the front page of the evening standard on the way home today; or heard it on the radio when they got home; or read the news on Buzzfeed at work when they should have been working, it has been announced today that Crossrail ( the new high frequency, high capacity railway for London and the South East. If you don't know about this then... I don't understand!) will be named the Elizabeth Line when it opens in 2017.

mmm Purple-y

This only goes to prove the point that if you are the reigning monarch of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland for a mere 63 years, 7 months, and 2 days they name a London Underground line after you! (They're practically giving them away).
The well-read amongst you will, like me, probably be thinking "Finally!!! She surpassed a reign of 63 years, 7 months, and 2 days on September 9th last year!" and you're quite right to think that. Up until now the Queen has only had rubbish things named after her like...

This Boat;

Pathetic

This Olympic Park;

Rubbish

And this tower;

"No Nic, that is called Big Ben!"
Well actually it has never been called tha... Just look it up!

The queen unraveled the roundel with her name on it at Bond Street today. See...

I can hold this plaque by myself mate, If you don't let go I am gonna get you fired!

Yeah that's right! I'm the Queen... Bitch!

Before she went to unveil the name of the new line I imagine she had the following conversation with one of her advisers.

Adviser: So you know how you're opening the new line today.

The Queen: The Elizabeth Line yes.

The Adviser: And you know how the new line is a sort of Lilac-y Purple

The Queen: Yes...

Adviser: And you know how your outfits are always just one solid colour.

The Queen: They are not!

Adviser: They are... look -

If they all join together they become a mighty morphing queen with rainbow powers!

The Queen: Ok, point made... but what of it?

Adviser: Well we stayed up all night and come up with this cunning and brilliant plan. We thought that the colour you wear today could be

The Queen: LILAC-Y PURPLE!

The Adviser: Oh that is a much better idea than the one we had...

The Queen: ON IT... I am Going to wear the outfit with the Mad-Hatter-Esque Hat!

Needless to say... she wore Lilac-y Purple, matched the line and all the newspapers felt they had to comment on it.



As you can imagine the naming of a new line is huge news for everyone all over the London.
I know this to be true as I heard a large balding man on the tube say to his wife (or ambiguous relationship female friend) "I suppose it makes sense".

But don't take his word for it. Lets see what others had to say.

Boris Johnson, who apparently came up (Doubtful) with the idea to call it the Elizabeth line said;

“Queen Elizabeth has given extraordinary service to this country over an unprecedented period and it is entirely right that she should be honoured with a living tribute that will last for centuries.”

"psst... didn't the queen just get you fired"
"haha... yeah!"

Meanwhile Queen Victoria, who up to today was the only Monarch to have an underground line named after her, said "We are not amused"

I know what you are thinking - Hardly an original Joke Nic! - well take this into account, isn't it weird that she said we and not I... she is only one person!
If that doesn't freak you out then this will...
Queen Victoria died over a century ago... so how did she give an opinion at all!!!

Freaky.



Meanwhile, it has taken only a matter of hours was the hashtag #LizzyLine to trend on twitter and for one T-shirt company to produce these t-shirts;

I've ordered 8 (One for each day of the week, and a spare in case of accidents!)

But what does the queen think of it all???

Well I emailed Buckingham palace and they didn't respond (yet...) so have manufactured what I believe her response will be to the question What do you think of the Cross Rail being named 'The Elizabeth Line'?

"I think it is a bleedin' Marvelous idea, better than the ruddy metropolitan line... I always get mixed up and call it the neapolitan... Phillip wets himself at that."


Although she hasn't actually said that, I think we can treat it as the Unofficial 'Official Response'.

Anyway, Let me know your thoughts on the Elizabeth line.

I hope your Tuesdays are exciting as mine. I am doing my Laundry. (Not just any laundry... it is a Duvet Cover week so... pretty massive!)

Laters.

Xx

Chocolate

The Aztecs, who according to google look like this;

"I thought you were wearing the GREEN Onesie... we look stupid both in Yellow!"

If you look past their terrible skills at predicting the end of the world and the odd human sacrifice, the Aztecs were pretty awesome because (according to my terrible knowledge in history) they invented...

CHOCOLATE!!!!

Why are you reading this caption... look at the chocolate. LOOK AT IT!

I love chocolate. You love chocolate. I am always suspicious of those who don't like chocolate. In fact, I tend to assume they are the scouts of an alien race, who are much the same as us in everyway except the fact that they detest chocolate. Why are they scouting the earth? To find our weaknesses, obviously, before they invade. Their invasion will be a blood thirsty mess until eventually we fight back with the one thing they cannot stand... Chocolate!
The war will, of course, force Cadburys, Nestle and Mars to unite to develop weapons of mass Chocstruction...

I may have digressed there a little, oh how the mind wanders when considering the terrible people that are chocolate-haters.

anyway,

Do you have the Back to the Future theme tune stuck in your head now? Because I do!

So one day in ancient Aztec land (A.K.A Mexico) some guys are bored after sacrificing their youngest daughters and are playing catch with a cocoa bean pod... one of them (let's call him Steve) says to the other (let's call him Mahuizoh)

Steve: Mahuizoh, do yoou think we can do anything else with this Bean pod other than chuck it to one another.

Mahuizoh: Yes... you idiot, we have been using them to make chocolate for generations!

This was not the story of how the Aztecs created chocolate, instead it was the story of how Mahuizoh realised that Steve was an idiot.

But how do they make chocolate?

I am glad you asked.

I am glad this picture included leaves so that we know that Cocoa Beans grow on trees.

Well first the beans arrive at a factory and they have to sift through it all to do two things.
1) Get rid of any unwanted objects (Coffee Beans, bits of twig, bouncy balls, anthrax and the like!)
2) Sort the beans into the different types of bean so they know what they are working with.

Apparently some manufacturers use 12 types of cocoa bean in some of their chocolate which, in my opinion, is just greedy!

They then put the beans in a big old over and Roast them. Why? Because they are making chocolate you idiot, I thought that would be obvious from the fact that this section of the blog is talking about how they make chocolate… Start the blog again.
They cook them at a heat of 100 to 150 Degrees C from half an hour to two hours. At the end they have a wicked tan and smell more chocolatey. Mmm Chocolate.

At this point they crack their shells, blow the excess away leaving behind the crushed, broken and generally dishevelled pieces of chocolate (Yeah, that is right, they smash the, to pieces… look at the happy bean above with his thumbs up… he is dead now!)
On the happier side, these remnants of shattered cocoa beans are called Nibs.

Yay, Nibs. This is the first point in the process that you have something edible. Yummy Nibs.

Don’t get too attached to the Nibs though… because then they crush those too! They are then left with a thick paste called Chocolate Liquor.

“LIQUOR?” said all the alcoholics! 

“Not that kind of liquor” said I

After splitting the Chocolate Liquor in two, half of it goes through a process called ‘Slamming’, which we have to assume involves some sort of Rap battle). Slamming splits the Chocolate Liquor into Cocoa Butter (which will be used later in the chocolate making process, just you wait and see!) and Cocoa Powder, used for making hot chocolate.

The other half of the Chocolate Liquor, Or Chocquor (not an official term), would be gross to eat, it is bitter and not very smooth. So they then add things such as
Sugar, Vanilla, Milk and Cocoa Butter (I told you it would come back didn’t I?... I did).

This product would taste Delish-washer but would not have that chocolatey texture that we love so much. Therefore the chocolate has to go through another stupidly named process called ‘Conching’

I looked up the word 'Conching' on Urban Dictionary.

I regretted it.

In the world of chocolate making, Conching is running the chocolate through a machine that mixes and mashes and swirls and aerates the chocolate. The longer this is done the better. The really fancy chocolates will do this for almost a week!

At this point you have liquid chocolate (as long as it is kept hot) so you could drink it… or pour it into a mold of an egg so that you can properly celebrate the resurrection of Jesus (Easter is weird… we need to talk about Easter!)

After all this we end up with this;

There is a Star Bar in this picture... Have you, or anyone you know, ever eaten a Star Bar?

Which as previously stated... is AMAZING!

Imagine giving it up for an entire month. What a stupid, moronic, ridiculous idea. You'd have to be a total idiot!

So in March my sister is giving up chocolate for the entire month.

But Lent has already started? I know! Why would anyone give up anything except if it was for Lent. 

Well she is doing it to raise money for the British Heart Foundation because she is nice that way.

I am not nice so I am not doing it. 

My sister really loves chocolate look;

Cadbury and Nestle in the same sitting... disgusting!

Because she is not a chocolate hating Alien, as previously discussed, I imagine this will be really hard for her. So if you think she is doing something good or you support the work of the british heart foundation then feel free to sponsor her here.

CLICK HERE FOR SPONSORAGE

Anyway, this week's lessons are
1) Chocolate is brilliant
2) Don't go on Urban Dictionary
3) Steve is an idiot
4) You can sponsor people for not eating chocolate nowadays
5) Easter is weird.


GOODBYE

Xx

Groundhog day, not just a film!

Yo!

So this morning, having woken up to Sonny and Cher's I got you Babe and the radio presenters informing me that it is "cooooooold outside today", I walked through the snow to present a news item about the Groundhog Punpunxsutawney phil and whether he comes out of his hole or retreats in. For this would determine the next few weeks of weather...

It was at this point I thought to myself Didn't this happen yesterday?

I am sorry to those of you who have never seen the 1993 film 'Groundhog Day' starring the brilliant Bill Murray as that opening paragraph will make absolutely zero sense to you.

This image is actually a lot cleverer than I first realised ... Bill Murray is literally 'Stuck in Time'/

I am also sorry to those who you haven't seen 'Groundhog day' because, well, you haven't seen 'Groundhog day'!

I mean, If you have never seen 'Groundhog day' you don't know the pleasure of saying

"Phil? Hey, Phil? Phil! Phil Connors? Phil Connors, I thought that was you!"

NED RYERSON? BING!

But do you know what, I am not here to talk about the amazing film that is Groundhog day!

Really, it's all you've done so far! 

Shut up you!

If I were to review it I'd give it a solid 4.5/5, it has everything you'd want in a film, large rodents, monotonous repetition, Bill Murray, Ice sculptures! 

I am here to talk about the actual event, Groundhog Day..

Groundhog Day

(You will notice in this blog that every fact you learn about this event only opens up new questions... Until inevitably you question your own sanity)

If you go to the following website www.groundhog.org you will find a website currently declaring 

When you look at this picture you are probably thinking; this is a series of words, statements and a picture that have literally no correlation. You might also be thinking, gosh that website uses a lot of exclamation marks!!!!!!

How has Phil predicted an early spring? 

What has this got to do with the lack of shadow? 

Why is that man on the left re-enacting Lion King with a giant Guinea Pig?

These are a few of the questions you may be asking at this point and this is only the start. 

Groundhog day is a celebration in North America (Yes, the U.S.A and Canada) where people, in a variety of locations across the continent gather in large groups to watch a Groundhog either leave, or decide not to leave, his home.

If the Groundhog leaves his home (also known as 'Not seeing his shadow) then Spring will come early.

If the Groundhog stays in his home due to 'seeing his shadow' then there will be six more weeks of winter.

Specifically Six.

No More.

Mo Less.

Don't question it... this is science.

Is this what Science is like? I dropped it after G.C.S.E

Actually do question it... it is ridiculous.

Here are three questions I had after the introduction.

Question 1) What is a Groundhog?

Answer)  A Groundhog is a rodent of the family Sciuridae, belonging to the group of large ground squirrels known as marmots. They look like this;

Yeah what you lookin' at!

Groundhogs are also known by two other names which are...

A woodchuck! You've heard of a Woodchuck, y'know from wondering the amount of wood they could chuck under a specific circumstance in which they lack the ability to chuck wood.

It turns out that he would chuck, he would, as much as he could, and chuck as much wood as a woodchuck would if a woodchuck could chuck wood, but he can't because he is too busy looking for his shadow...

A Whistle-pig

A WHISTLE-PIG!!!!!! Did you every hear a word (two words? a hyphenated word? hyphenated words?) as good as Whistle-Pig?

Stop what you are doing (which I realise is probably reading this Blog) and appreciate the fact that it is called a Whistle-Pig...

I am so Happy right now.

Question 2) How many people go to see this?

Answer) Well, as mentioned before, Groundhog Day events (each having the emergence, or non-emergence of their own Groundhog) happen all over North America. From Columbus, Ohio to Wiarton, Ontario. From Nova Skotia to Texas... but the largest event  is in... 

(anti-climactic drum-roll please)

Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania. (Which is the setting of the 1993 film...damn I mentioned it again)

'ugh, I should have stayed inside'

Over 40,000 people go the Punxsutawney event every year on February 2nd, to see, the aptly named, 'Punxsutawney Phil' do his thing!

40,000! That is more than the population of Worksop.

This is a picture of the entire population of Worksop cheering that their town was mentioned in an obscure blog
You cannot hear them cheering... because it is a picture.

Question 3) Does the Whistle-Pig actually know if Winter is coming to an end

Answer) No

Here are Questions I had after the first Question and Answer session (also known as Question Questions, or Questceptions);

Questception 1) Do all meteorological-future-predicting Woodchucks have cool names like 'Punxsutawney Phil'.

Answer) Damn straight they do!

Like Dunkirk Dave in Dunkirk, New York or Balzac Billy in Balzac, Alberta or Chattanooga Chuck in Chattanooga, Tennessee

I could list these off all day!

I'll do some more. 

There is Lawrenceville Lucy in Lawrenceville, Pennsylvania, the first female Groundhog to publicly predict the end of winter, who predicted an early spring in 2015.

What about Holstville Hal who in 2011 predicted six more weeks of winter in, you guessed it, Holtsville, New York.

Also, in Val d'Espoir, Quebec they have a Groundhog called...

Fred

UPDATED ANSWER) No, they don't all have cool names like 'Punxsutawney Phil'

Damn it FRED!

Questception 2) Who are these 40,000+ people who go to this event.

Answer) We have to assume morons. People with either a lot of time on their hands or a real lack of scientific understanding.

Question that has arisen from Questception 2) Nic, Would you go to Punxatawney to watch what Phil does?

Answer) If I had the opportunity to, I would be there quicker than A groundhog emerges from his home on February the 2nd if he hasn't seen his shadow and Spring is coming early!

Groundhog day is not all fun and games though guys, no... this year in Manitoba, home of Woodchuck, Winnipeg Willow, they have suffered terribly. On Saturday the 30th of January 2016, only 3 days before the big day itself...

Winnipeg Willow died.

The city of Manitoba literally cancelled the entire event. They are in mourning. Why wouldn't they be... look at the little thing

Yeah try and replace me, Manitoba!

Rest in Peace Willow, safe in the knowledge that never again will a ridiculously large crowd try and coax you out of your home in the vague hope that they won't have to suffer winter any longer... in Canada... where it is Winter until June, how futile! 

Wait a minute, perhaps she committed suicide.

This Blog got dark, which proves that if you talk to yourself about anything for long enough... you will go down a dark path. I am, as predicted, questioning my sanity.

So as another Groundhog day draws to an end, and Punxsutawney Phil has predicted an early Winter, I hope you all feel happier for knowing these basic Groundhog Day facts!

If you have any questions yourself, feel free to leave comments below.

Seeya!