 |
| "I thought you were wearing the GREEN Onesie... we look stupid both in Yellow!" |
If you look past their terrible skills at predicting the end of the world and the odd human sacrifice, the Aztecs were pretty awesome because (according to my terrible knowledge in history) they invented...
CHOCOLATE!!!!
 |
| Why are you reading this caption... look at the chocolate. LOOK AT IT! |
I love chocolate. You love chocolate. I am always suspicious of those who don't like chocolate. In fact, I tend to assume they are the scouts of an alien race, who are much the same as us in everyway except the fact that they detest chocolate. Why are they scouting the earth? To find our weaknesses, obviously, before they invade. Their invasion will be a blood thirsty mess until eventually we fight back with the one thing they cannot stand... Chocolate!
The war will, of course, force Cadburys, Nestle and Mars to unite to develop weapons of mass Chocstruction...
I may have digressed there a little, oh how the mind wanders when considering the terrible people that are chocolate-haters.
anyway,
 |
| Do you have the Back to the Future theme tune stuck in your head now? Because I do! |
So one day in ancient Aztec land (A.K.A Mexico) some guys are bored after sacrificing their youngest daughters and are playing catch with a cocoa bean pod... one of them (let's call him Steve) says to the other (let's call him Mahuizoh)
Steve: Mahuizoh, do yoou think we can do anything else with this Bean pod other than chuck it to one another.
Mahuizoh: Yes... you idiot, we have been using them to make chocolate for generations!
This was not the story of how the Aztecs created chocolate, instead it was the story of how Mahuizoh realised that Steve was an idiot.
But how do they make chocolate?
I am glad you asked.
Well first the beans arrive at a factory and they have to sift through it all to do two things.
1) Get rid of any unwanted objects (Coffee Beans, bits of twig, bouncy balls, anthrax and the like!)
2) Sort the beans into the different types of bean so they know what they are working with.
Apparently some manufacturers use 12 types of cocoa bean in some of their chocolate which, in my opinion, is just greedy!
They then put the beans in a big old over and Roast them. Why? Because they are making chocolate you idiot, I thought that would be obvious from the fact that this section of the blog is talking about how they make chocolate… Start the blog again.
They cook them at a heat of 100 to 150 Degrees C from half an hour to two hours. At the end they have a wicked tan and smell more chocolatey. Mmm Chocolate.
At this point they crack their shells, blow the excess away leaving behind the crushed, broken and generally dishevelled pieces of chocolate (Yeah, that is right, they smash the, to pieces… look at the happy bean above with his thumbs up… he is dead now!)
On the happier side, these remnants of shattered cocoa beans are called Nibs.
Yay, Nibs. This is the first point in the process that you have something edible. Yummy Nibs.
Don’t get too attached to the Nibs though… because then they crush those too! They are then left with a thick paste called Chocolate Liquor.
After splitting the Chocolate Liquor in two, half of it goes through a process called ‘Slamming’, which we have to assume involves some sort of Rap battle). Slamming splits the Chocolate Liquor into Cocoa Butter (which will be used later in the chocolate making process, just you wait and see!) and Cocoa Powder, used for making hot chocolate.
The other half of the Chocolate Liquor, Or Chocquor (not an official term), would be gross to eat, it is bitter and not very smooth. So they then add things such as
Sugar, Vanilla, Milk and Cocoa Butter (I told you it would come back didn’t I?... I did).
This product would taste Delish-washer but would not have that chocolatey texture that we love so much. Therefore the chocolate has to go through another stupidly named process called ‘Conching’
I looked up the word 'Conching' on Urban Dictionary.
I regretted it.
In the world of chocolate making, Conching is running the chocolate through a machine that mixes and mashes and swirls and aerates the chocolate. The longer this is done the better. The really fancy chocolates will do this for almost a week!
At this point you have liquid chocolate (as long as it is kept hot) so you could drink it… or pour it into a mold of an egg so that you can properly celebrate the resurrection of Jesus (Easter is weird… we need to talk about Easter!)
Which as previously stated... is AMAZING!
I am glad you asked.
 |
| I am glad this picture included leaves so that we know that Cocoa Beans grow on trees. |
Well first the beans arrive at a factory and they have to sift through it all to do two things.
1) Get rid of any unwanted objects (Coffee Beans, bits of twig, bouncy balls, anthrax and the like!)
2) Sort the beans into the different types of bean so they know what they are working with.
Apparently some manufacturers use 12 types of cocoa bean in some of their chocolate which, in my opinion, is just greedy!
They then put the beans in a big old over and Roast them. Why? Because they are making chocolate you idiot, I thought that would be obvious from the fact that this section of the blog is talking about how they make chocolate… Start the blog again.
They cook them at a heat of 100 to 150 Degrees C from half an hour to two hours. At the end they have a wicked tan and smell more chocolatey. Mmm Chocolate.
At this point they crack their shells, blow the excess away leaving behind the crushed, broken and generally dishevelled pieces of chocolate (Yeah, that is right, they smash the, to pieces… look at the happy bean above with his thumbs up… he is dead now!)
On the happier side, these remnants of shattered cocoa beans are called Nibs.
Yay, Nibs. This is the first point in the process that you have something edible. Yummy Nibs.
Don’t get too attached to the Nibs though… because then they crush those too! They are then left with a thick paste called Chocolate Liquor.
“LIQUOR?” said all the alcoholics!
“Not that kind of liquor” said I
After splitting the Chocolate Liquor in two, half of it goes through a process called ‘Slamming’, which we have to assume involves some sort of Rap battle). Slamming splits the Chocolate Liquor into Cocoa Butter (which will be used later in the chocolate making process, just you wait and see!) and Cocoa Powder, used for making hot chocolate.
The other half of the Chocolate Liquor, Or Chocquor (not an official term), would be gross to eat, it is bitter and not very smooth. So they then add things such as
Sugar, Vanilla, Milk and Cocoa Butter (I told you it would come back didn’t I?... I did).
This product would taste Delish-washer but would not have that chocolatey texture that we love so much. Therefore the chocolate has to go through another stupidly named process called ‘Conching’
I looked up the word 'Conching' on Urban Dictionary.
I regretted it.
In the world of chocolate making, Conching is running the chocolate through a machine that mixes and mashes and swirls and aerates the chocolate. The longer this is done the better. The really fancy chocolates will do this for almost a week!
At this point you have liquid chocolate (as long as it is kept hot) so you could drink it… or pour it into a mold of an egg so that you can properly celebrate the resurrection of Jesus (Easter is weird… we need to talk about Easter!)
After all this we end up with this;
 |
| There is a Star Bar in this picture... Have you, or anyone you know, ever eaten a Star Bar? |
Imagine giving it up for an entire month. What a stupid, moronic, ridiculous idea. You'd have to be a total idiot!
So in March my sister is giving up chocolate for the entire month.
But Lent has already started? I know! Why would anyone give up anything except if it was for Lent.
Well she is doing it to raise money for the British Heart Foundation because she is nice that way.
I am not nice so I am not doing it.
My sister really loves chocolate look;
 |
| Cadbury and Nestle in the same sitting... disgusting! |
Because she is not a chocolate hating Alien, as previously discussed, I imagine this will be really hard for her. So if you think she is doing something good or you support the work of the british heart foundation then feel free to sponsor her here.
Anyway, this week's lessons are
1) Chocolate is brilliant
2) Don't go on Urban Dictionary
3) Steve is an idiot
4) You can sponsor people for not eating chocolate nowadays
5) Easter is weird.
GOODBYE
Xx
Thanks Nic!! Xxx
ReplyDelete